Nervous

She sits

Legs up knees to her chin

And she tries to burrow into herself

So no one sees

She tears at her flesh

“This will help, then they cannot see”

This nervousness inside 

It tears at my insides

My heart pounds

And inside I need to run

To rip away

To clear it all away

It’s like I have so much pent up anxious energy 

That I feel like I might explode.

My stomach burns as it twists

My arms tremble

My voice shakes

I must run

I must do fifty jumping jacks

I must get it out

But when I’m not 

It’s the opposite

I lay, heavy like wet cloth

Slow like honey

But less sweet

I sit and I judge and I loathe everyone

I hate myself with every step

Something heavy on my chest

I ache

But too much and

I’m gone

Lost

Delusional and cruel

Selfish

So selfish

So where is the middle?

That happy, shiny place of “just right”

Is that even a real place?

Am I wasting my time searching